On Being a Mother

4 years ago, when Sophia was just 3 months old, I wrote a bit about my experience being a new mother.  I re-read that today and have to laugh at some of the things that I said.

"Taking care of a baby is kind of like being in a constant war zone...All's quiet on the western front and then all of a sudden the 'sirens' start going off.  Once you realize whats going it's too late. There's either an air raid of flying spit-up aimed right at your freshly changed shirt, or poo is being torpedoed out of who-knows-where!!  You have to always be at the ready!  And don't be fooled when it appears that you've been able to calm the beast living within this tiny creature...all it takes is one slip-up and it all starts over!"

Now I am 41/2 years into this parenting thing and I still feel like it all applies!

"There definitely needs to be a support group for new moms...At the Mommy Anonymous meetings we'd discuss all of our parenting problems.  "Hi, my name is Hollie.  I've been a mom for almost 3 months now."  Then we'd be able to get advice from the veterans of motherhood.  They're the strong ones; the ones who have raised their kids all the way to adulthood without going completely nuts!  They're the ones that we newbies look at and think, 'Someday I'll be there...'"

I mean, who am I kidding? These feelings haven't faded one bit! I still feel the frustration, the lack of patience and the overwhelming desire to just run away.

"As much as you want to cast 'blame' on the little one for all of your frustration, stress and exhaustion you just can't. I mean, she's just a baby...she can't help that she is hungry or has a dirty diaper... But let's be honest, every once in a while, after testing your patience in every way imaginable, her sweet, adorable little face looks up at you, and her expression says, "You better watch it, Mom...there's more where that came from!" I don't know about you other mom's out there...but this happens to me on a regular basis.  Not to bash on my little princess or anything, but sometimes I am a little afraid (for my sake, not hers) to be left alone with her.  Our dog, Dug has taken up hiding under the couch when she starts one of her fits, and I must say that there are days when I wish that I could join him!"

 And then there are all the "good feelings" that still apply.

"And my heart melts all over again, just like the first time I held her, just like the first time that she ever looked me in the eyes, just like the first time that I ever saw her smile.  It makes me so happy that it is almost a little painful, so happy that I want to cry...but of-course I hold back the tears to keep Jeff from thinking that I've gone crazy.  That's another thing that they don't teach in Mommyology...they don't teach you that there is so much love for this little person packed inside of you, that sometimes you have to cry a little to keep from bursting..."

All of these excerpts still apply. Even at 4 1/2 years old Sophia still frustrates me and still melts my heart. Aaryn is not different. When I was pregnant with her I was worried that I loved Sophia so much that I wouldn't have any love left for a second child. I was worried that I wouldn't know how to love two kids at that much at the same time. But when she came along my heart got bigger and all that love balanced right out. Now it seems like each day we are navigating new territory with our kids.

I really do love being a mom. And I really do love my kids. But recently I've been thinking a lot about how I mother my kids and looking back at all the things that I wrote down, thought about and worried about at the beginning of my parenting journey just reinforces these thought...

It isn't enough for me to just love my kids more than my own life. It isn't enough for Jeff and I to provide for their physical and emotional needs. Making sure they have 3 meals a day, clothes to wear and hugging them when they fall down isn't enough. What affect should my "mothering" have on my kids? Do I just want them to survive to their adulthood? Do I want them to just be good citizens of the world they live in?

I want my kids to have a passion for Christ and His Gospel. I want my kids to be servants of the Most High God. I want that for them because I love them. Recently in church our pastor talked about how to really love our kids, we have to love Christ more. We have to love Jesus more than our children to really love our children. To be the type of mother that God wants me to be, I have to love Christ more than I love being a mother.

This is so true and I can see evidence of it in my daily life. I am so so so human and fallible. Apart from Jesus, I am the worst mother ever. No matter how much I love my kids, as long as I am living in my own strength and mothering them in my own strength, I will always lose my temper. I will always find myself making choices for my kids that are less than Biblical. I will always, at some time or another be setting a bad example for my children. It is only when I die to self and allow myself to be further transformed into the image of Christ that I can be a good mother. It is only when I am actively involved in my relationship with Jesus that I can be a good mother.