A Thought on Marriage

This semester in school I am taking Pre-Marital and Marital Counseling. So far it is a pretty good class. One thing that I am really enjoying about it is that all of the material is stuff that is not just for future counseling. It is stuff that I can apply right now in my own life.

One of the books that we are reading in class is called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. Jeff and I were actually supposed to read this book in counseling before we got married. I don't think that we read it. I think that there was a different book that we read instead. But now that I am actually reading it, I really wish that we would have read it before getting married. Now, we have to write a review critiquing the book for class, so I'm not going to say too much about it here, but there are a couple of things that I want to say.

The overall message of the book is printed right on the front cover. What if God designed marriage to make us HOLY more than to make us HAPPY? Yeah. I really wish that Jeff and I would have asked ourselves that question, and really searched out the answer to it before getting married! If we would have gone through the first year of our marriage focusing on God making us holy, using our marriage to sanctify us and make us more like Him, we would have bypassed so much unnecessary frustration and discontent.

Jeff and I don't have the perfect marriage. There will always be things that we need to work on. And we have only been married for 5 years, so I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on marriage. But even in 5 short years, we have learned a lot that we didn't know in the beginning of our relationship. There is no way that I could detail all of the things that Jeff and I have learned about marriage. There are a couple things though, that have been on my mind recently, especially as I have been in the Pre-Marital and Marital Counseling class.

2013 - Easter lunch at my Grandmother's house

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22-24

Learning to submit in marriage goes further than just listening to your husband and doing what he says. In our relationship with God, we are to submit to Christ's authority. 2 John verse 5-6 says, "...I ask that we love one another. And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love." So obeying the command of God is to love, and truly loving is to obey God. If the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church, then wouldn't what John says in his second letter also apply in our marriages? For me to yield to the authority of my husband is for me to love him. Can I truly say that I love my husband if I am not submitting to him?

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife love himself. Ephesians 25-28

2014 - Valentine's Banquet while 8 months pregnant
Picture courtesy of Allie Lamb 

Something that hinders a lot of wives from submitting to their husbands is that they do not trust that their husbands have their best interest at heart. I have struggled with this. Just as I have struggled to trust that Jeff has my best interest in mind, I have also at times struggled with trusting that what God has planned for me is His best. Ultimately, as our pastor at church has mentioned frequently in the last couple of months, when we decide to 'go our own way' and do what we want, instead of what God wants us to do, it is because we are not trusting that God's way is going to lead to the best possible outcome. But it's right there in the Bible. Christ loved us so deeply, so immensely, so passionately that He gave himself up for us. God calls us His dearly loved children, and speaks to us in His Word about how valuable we are to Him. His ultimate desire is that through the redemption found in Christ's work on the cross all would be saved and that all would live in eternity with Him (1 Timothy 2:3-4). According to Revelation 21:4, His plan is that He will wipe away every tear from our eyes and that there would be no death or crying or pain. Likewise, if a husband is loving his wife as the Lord commands, then he will be pursuing what is good and right for her even before pursuing what is good for himself. He will be seeking to lead her in a life that is pure and righteous.

It's so easy to spout off a couple of verses from the Bible though about submitting to your husband and loving your wife. The real task is actually achieving that. It is easy to get confused and think that the goal of marriage is simply love and submission with a couple of babies thrown in for good measure. Just like Gary Thomas is trying to get across in his book, marriage is more about our relationship with God than it is about our relationship with each other. Me being Jeff's wife has less to do with my relationship with Jeff than it does with Jesus Christ and my relationship with Him. Because even if Jeff is a horrible husband (which he's not), if Jeff is having a really bad day and taking it out on me, or if Jeff does or says something to me that is incredibly hurtful, I am still obligated to obey Christ. Something that I am learning everyday is that the Bible never says, 'Submit to your husband unless he does not treat you well.' The Bible doesn't teach us to REACT to the behavior of others out of frustration, anger, fear or anxiety. We are, instead, to ACT on the commands of Christ, out of love. To quote my professor, Dr. Catanzaro, "our love for each other should not be informed on how we feel or what we think of each other in the moment. Our love for each other should be informed by our love for Christ." Remember that verse from 2 John?

And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. 2 John 6

Love must be sincere. Romans 12:9

I think that it is amazing. Jeff and I have been married for 5 years. We have such a long way to go. Hopefully one day we will be able to say that we've been married 65 for even 70 years, if we live that long. In just 5 years, we have learned so much about each other, so much about marriage and so much about God. But even as I took a break writing this to run outside and talk to a friend for a few minutes, God was still teaching me, through that conversation, new things about marriage and His good and perfect will for marriage. Think about all the things that Jeff and I will be able to say that we have learned 65 years from now!!!